"Ass"tronomy

Sorry mom & dad... I couldn't resist!

If you like looking at a "moon"
May I suggest that someday soon
Try looking deeper in that "space"
To see a windy, gassy place
My favorite thing to do at night
Uranus is just really tight!

I always feel a happy gayness
Whenever I can view Uranus
A heavenly body- part of 8
But it's top 3, its mass is great
It's spread so far, out in the sky
You can see it with "one naked eye"!
I'm pretty sure that all agree-
Uranus is a sight to see!

I think that it would mean so much
If Uranus, one day, man could touch
Someday I'd like to take a ride
So I could probe around inside
A place they say "the sun don't shine"
I'd visit almost anytime!

But don't ask questions 'bout the things
That make up those mysterious rings
And just bend over now to grope
This long hard thing...
My Telescope! ;)

Star Struck

Sun is setting
And I'm waiting
Eagerly anticipating

He shows up 'round this time
Each night
Back from the Hunt
Back from the Fight

Brilliant
And Illuminating
Bright and always
Scintillating

The only man
I'll ever need
Upon his Belt
His trusty Steed

Sword and Shield
He holds in hand
My Supernova
Superman

His ever-present
Burning Flame
And Nebula
That shares his name

Loyal as his own
Canines
Fearlessly
My Hero Shines

It doesn't matter
Where I go
The constant
I'll forever know

My Champion
Of Fish and Bear
He'll always follow
Always there

Although at times
Obscured from view
I know he's out there
Ever true

'Neath his Blanket
Safe, surrounded
His mere presence
Keeps me Grounded

Enchanting me
With Starry Eyes
Protecting me
Beneath clear Skies

From the Bull
And from the Lion
Forever you are mine
Orion



In case you are unfamiliar with Astronomy:
"Upon his belt/His trusty steed" - Horsehead Nebula (near the Easternmost star on Orion's belt)
"His ever-present/Burning Flame" - Flame Nebula (part of the Orion Molecular Cloud Complex, with the Horsehead Nebula)
"And nebula/That shares his name" - Orion Nebula (middle "star" on Orion's sword)
"Loyal as his own/Canines" - Constellations Canis Major & Canis Minor
"Fish" - Constellation Pisces
"Bear" - Constellations Ursa Major & Ursa Minor
"Bull" - Constellation Taurus
"Lion" - Constellation Leo

Rollercoaster of...

You know perhaps it isn't smart
This ride's not for the faint of heart
But always thought you'd like to try
So step right up and don't be shy

You feel the sweat, your stomach churn
As nervously you wait your turn
Committed now, must take the ride
You can't turn back, you've got your pride

And willingly, you get strapped in
Excited for it to begin...

And then it starts, though somewhat slow
But soon it really starts to go
Not sure what to anticipate
You feel it rise and escalate

Then find yourself soon falling fast
The butterflies, you hope they last
Intensity, momentum build
You're overwhelmed, completely thrilled

You feel so high when you're on top
You're hoping it will never stop
But no idea what's in store
What lies ahead, you're never sure

'Cause after just a little time
You find it is an uphill climb
And suddenly it changes course
It's too intense, it feels too forced

All confused, no way of knowing
Which direction this is going
Feel dizzy, sick, and jerked around
Can't handle much more up and down

So disappointed, hurt, confused
Chest is aching, ego bruised
Overwhelming nauseous feeling
Heart is pounding, stomach reeling

And it gets worse 'round every bend
You just want off- when will it end??
When will the pain all go away??
The ticket's not the price you pay
If only sooner, had you knew
...But suddenly, you're finished, through

The other riders had such fun
It seems you are the only one
All broken-up and hurt inside
Was such a wild, bumpy ride

Just count it as a lesson learned
You played with fire, you got burned
Now that you're back on solid land
Regained your footing, and you stand

You're thoughts are clear, you know the way
.... A different partner, time of day...

A few deep breaths you take, and then
You find yourself in line again

... You know perhaps it isn't smart
This ride's not for the faint of heart...

Hate Your...

Although I don't like speaking ill
I must express now how I feel
Apologies, I know you're close
But they are horrid, nasty, gross

To hate is strong, so I've been told...
I'll need a word that's quite more bold
To tell you how much I abhor
How much I utterly deplore
An adjective to verbalize
Explaining how much I despise

Yet words wont properly address
That loathsome, nauseating mess
No single thing that I could say
Describes that frightening disarray

Unpleasant, ghastly, filthy, vile
Putrefaction mixed with bile

Repugnant, Raunchy, Rotten, Rank
Sleazy serpents topped with stank

Grotesque, offensive, quite obscene
Revolting, dreadful, rather mean

Monstrous, awful, vulgar, sticky
Beastly, ugly, grody, icky

It makes me think they must have lied
To say there's beauty found inside
You have a brain that's clearly smart
You're sweet and kind, I love your heart
And yet, I wish that you could lose
That festering heap of wretched ooze

What can I say, they drive me Nuts!
I'm sorry but I HATE YOUR GUTS!!!

Sea Sick

To find what I was searching for
They said I'd have to head off shore
And so I went to take a look
I casted out with baited hook
Naively, I dropped them a line
Had no idea what I'd find

'Cause while it's true- there are a lot
I'm unimpressed with what I've caught
And I've amassed here quite a stack
For me to fry up or toss back

Got some with fangs and some with scales
Got ugly ones with big, wide tails
The creatures you will see out here
Will leave you hopeless, full of fear

Stalkers and the fierce man-eaters
Suckers and the bottom-feeders
They're spineless, nearly all I've seen
Some snake-like, evil, serpentine
They lurk and wait out in deep dark
Electrocute you with their spark
They'll ogle you with beady eyes
Or trick you with their smooth disguise

Seem harmless, but then Up they blow
They puff out and their true spikes show
Everywhere, this place is flooded
Predators- they're all cold-blooded
They've got the size, the fangs, the fins
The sharpest smile that always wins

Blood-thirsty, violent carnivores
And stinging, vicious man-of-wars
Some loners, hermits, jerky crabs
Has weapons- swords- he cuts and jabs
His only care is his blowhole
Or breeding is his only goal

They're leeches looking for free-rides
They're barnacles glued to my sides
Their tentacles may only think
Of trying to get it down in ink
And better looking- I'd supposed
Not hammer-headed, bottle-nosed
The horses here- not nearly right
Not princely and not even white

The water's clear and I can see
That this is not a place for me
And while its true that there may be
"A Lot Of Fish Out In The Sea"

Each one that I have seen to date
Would be more useful on a plate,
Seen through glass in some large hall,
Or even mounted on my wall
When I get back upon dry land
I'll hit my knees and kiss the sand!

Finnish Farewell

This is how we broke the news to my brother Danny on his mission in Finland that his 2-year-old goldfish, "Biggie Smalls," had died.

Dear Master Danny,

I write you this poem
To tell you goodbye
For I'm going home

I'm going like you-
Far away to the land
Where "Finns" are the thing
That they all understand

Don't get me wrong
I'll miss this ol' place
At feeding time
Seeing Mom's happy face

But please don't be sad
There's no need to cry
There's a much bigger bowl
For me out in the sky

And I'll always be near
For times when it's hard
I'm conveniently buried
Out in your backyard!

It's a lesson in life
'Bout things that are gold
Pretty to look at
But rarely can hold

To my plastic plant
And to each of you
It is time for me
To bid you Adieu

'Cause we all gotta listen
When nature calls
So this is farewell

From your fish,

Biggie Smalls

Ode to Hunting

True story... :)

"Ode to Hunting"
Is the name of this rhyme
'Cause Hunting is fun-
You should try it sometime!

If you've never been
I bet you didn't know
Just how simple it is-
I think you should go!

Here's what to do,
Just take my advice
I know you will have
The time of your lives!

Pack up a truck
With all of your goods
And drive to a place
Way out in the woods

Spend quite some time
To find the right spot
Then build you a fire
That's real nice and hot

And because you must spend
The entire time there
Be sure that you bring
A real comfy chair

Then just wave goodbye
To each of the boys
As they all ride off
On their four-wheelin' toys

Whats Next, you say?
Well hold on tight-
You get to sit at the camp
All day and night!!

If you can handle excitement
You even could
Walk up to the trees
And gather some wood!

You can poke at the Fire
You can drink some beer
You can yell at two dogs
Who choose not to hear

Who knew that hunting
Could be oh-so-much fun?!
I can't even see
Why you'd need a gun!

Now, before I end
Here is one final tip
If you'd like to go
On your own hunting trip:

'Cause I didn't realize
There was something I lacked
Men think is important-
Or vital, in fact

If you have one, you get
To go out and play
If you don't, they will make you
Sit at camp the whole day...

So although I don't
Really understand why-
If you're going to go hunting
Make sure you're a guy!!

The Mess

I hear you out there knocking
And am embarrassed to admit
That I'd like to let you in
But I'm afraid you just won't fit!

See, I wish it were that easy
To just go open up the door
But presently there's too much stuff
Piled in here on the floor

Boxes, trunks, and crates are stacked
As far as eye can see
There's so much baggage in this place
That there's hardly room for me!

Once there was a time
When I had space to walk around
But lately I can scarcely find
A place just to sit down!

I've been tirelessly cleaning
But each time I make a dent
Someone goes and has
Even more of this stuff sent!

So please don't take it personal
That I'm impolite a host
'Cause someone to help out
Is probably what I need the most

Yet, to find a good, hard worker
I suppose I must be cursed
'Cause each has left me a disaster
Even bigger than the first!

Now, if you did an X-Ray
I would have no single doubt
With all the stuff in here
That's been stacked and strewn about

That for yourself you'd see
Here contained inside my chest
Right now you can't come in
My heart's just much to big a mess!

Father's Day

As your gift on Fathers Day
I wrote this poem for you
I'd really love to read it
First there's something you must do

Just answer but one question
Its so easy, you will see
How 'bout one about the Civil War
Or General E. Lee?

This is your favorite game
So I know you'll want to play
General E. Lee was born
On what year, month, and day?......

...Well, because this day's for fathers
I suppose I will go on
Even though it is quite clear
That you couldn't be more wrong

But only 'cause I need to tell you
That I couldn't be more glad
Of all the men out in the world
That I got you as my dad!

I know that on occasion
Perhaps I've been a bother
But I want you to know
I'm so lucky you're my father!

And just to prove to you
How truly great I think you are
I'll let you use my dimples
If you need to park your car

And sill if after that
You need further proof to know
When you want to row your boat
I will ofter you my toe

'Cause while you gave me goofy feet
Thankfully the fact remains
That I may not be as sweet
But I clearly got your brains!

So here's to the man
That today I will admit
Has given me much more
than "a little tiny little bit"

I think its safe to say
That we all are quite in awe
Hope your Father's Day's so full
You can say "De bandi bah"

Thanks for your support
Your love and faith in me
'Cause if it weren't for you
Who truly knows just where I'd be??

To have a dad like you
God really gave me all the lucks
And hey there's one more thing -
Can I borrow just five bucks?

Letter Q

I was inspired to write this poem after a moment of frustration while playing Scrabble

She took it quite hard
When he said goodbye
For without him she felt
That surely she'd die

She pleaded her case
But it was to no avail
The poor guy felt smothered-
It was just bound to fail!

"I'm sorry, my dear
I think this will be better
I can't always be following you
Right to the letter"

But deep down she knew
The fate that she'd meet
That without him, quite frankly
She'd become obsolete

"Fine, you can go
If its what you decide
But you should know, I am worthless
Without "U" by my side

"I know I am clingy
But I cannot be cured
Because if you leave
I truly can't say a word"

"After you're gone
I will suffer in anguish
Simply due to the nature
Of the English language

"See, its not my fault
You're always there right on "Q"
Because after all
What am I without "U"???"

Dear Toadie

I wrote this for Terrence the Toad on Easter :)

One day this little Bunny
Was just a-hopping down the road
When she happened to cross paths
With a handsome little Toad

The Bunny knew right then
In that moment that they met
The Toad was someone special
That she wouldn't soon forget

He was a charming fellow
So funny, sweet, and smart
And the Bunny couldn't help it-
Right away he stole her heart!

Now of course there were a few
Who said it wasn't meant to be
But she just couldn't help it
And quite frankly nor could he

See, the Bunny's little heart
Was even softer than her fur
And that she loved her Toad
Way deep down she knew for sure

So, somehow they made it work
And even they were quite surprised
But they were happy there in love
Like a dream been realized

They spent all their time together
But as the years flew quickly past
Neither wanted to admit it
But they knew it couldn't last

After all, he is a frog
And although it makes her sad
The place he is most happy's
In the "Vista" on his "pad"

But she's a fluffy bunny
And she therefore cannot swim
She must stay there on the shoreline
Always sadly watching him

And his home there on the pad
To her place back on the beach
Had just become too far
For their own two hearts to reach

So today he's in his pond
And she's in her forest home
But she had something to say
So she wrote this little poem

Because she still wants him to know
That right to this Easter day
She'll Always love her Toadie
And that will Never go away!

Blind Man

I've been in the eye business
Many a year
But I never expected
That I'd see him here

But I took his chart
And I called his name
Had to feel his way back
As slowly he came

I held his arm
Led him into the chair
Behind his two eyes
Was a total blank stare

"How can I help you?"
I asked the poor man
"I'm scared," he said
"I don't know if you can...

"I can't see a thing
My whole world is black
And I'm afraid that my sight
I may never get back!"

And just as he'd said
When I tested his sight
He saw nothing at all
Couldn't even see light!

The doctor came in
And ran all his tests
But this fellows eyes
Were truly a mess

He whispered to me
"I'm not surprised
I've heard before
'Bout this gentleman's eyes..."

"I'm sorry sir
There's not much I can do
For this terrible fate
That's been given to you...

"In my exam
Think you know what I find:
Mr. Love, it is true
You really are Blind!"

Prince Charming?

Every girl's heard the story
Its become quite chiche
Of a knight on a white horse
Who'll take her away

Prince Charming- Hes handsome
So kind and courageous
But I never thought mine
Would be so outrageous!

My memory is vivid
Of that fateful day
When Prince Charming pulled up
In a white... Chevrolet??

But I forgot all about that
When he stepped into sight
Because he'd certainly gotten
The handsome part right

With his rippling muscles
I'd have nothing to fear
And he looked so important
With the bud in his ear

My heart pitter-pattered
My cheeks blushed with red
When he smoothly stepped forward
Smiled, and said:

"I'm here on an errand
For my father, the King
And I couldn't help noticing
You're not wearing a ring..."

And so it happened
We had our first date
I couldn't help thinking
"This must be fate!"

He was the perfect gentleman
Charming and witty
He bought me flowers
Told me I was pretty

We went so many places
Spent our nights on the town
And I dreamed that someday
I'd inherit the crown

But I should have known
It would be quite a ride
When we shared our first kiss
In the movie "Corpse Bride"

Now what I'll say next
You may find quite alarming
But there's a few things
You should know about Prince Charming....

First I'll start off
With his intoxicating smell
He'll use it to put you
Under his spell

But later will come
Quite a different aroma
And this one may just
Put you into a coma

He'll use it to make
Your senses run frantic
If you even TRY
To get too romantic

And the way to his heart
Take it from me
Is not through his stomach
As others had you believe

See I no longer quite
Understand that old story
Of a knight fighting dragons
For his damsel's glory

'Cause the dragon is actually
Inside him, you'll find
And feeding the man
Simply keeps it in line!

Or another analogy
That's useful is maybe
That of a child
Or even a baby

You must feed him on time
And iron his clothes
The smells from his bum
Will have you holding your nose

He's whiny and moody
And often a mess
And oddly in love
With the things on your chest

Perhaps you are wondering
"Why waste your time?"
I can't really explain
Why I feel so inclined

I guess maternal instinct
Could be why I care
Or maybe that mop
Of cute curly hair?

But truth is my Prince
Somehow turned to a toad
And deep down I hope
If I keep on this road

One day it will happen
Easy as a cinch-
I'll kiss him and magically
He'll return to my prince!

Curse the Cherub!

I must tell you my story
Though it may not make sense
But you have cause to worry
And be on defense

See, I've fallen victim
To a scantly clad man
He carries a weapon
Beware of his scam!

Because I can see now
That I acted quite rash
To put faith in the guy
With the silly red sash

But trust when I tell you
That next time I'll know
To avoid all plump men
Who carry a bow

He'll trick you with a pair
Of angelic wings
Then feed you with lies
And make you do crazy things

He'll say something about "Love"
And then use a dart
Injecting his venom
Directly into your heart

When at first it seeps in
The toxin feels great
So I'll warn you now
Before its too late

'Cause as it keeps working
What it will do
Is eat at your heart
'Til its broken in two!

So take my advice
And never make friends
With any fellow outfitted
In a pair of depends

Or end up like me
A broken-hearted fool
'Cause if I know one thing
Its that CUPID IS CRUEL!!!

Organ Theft

I DEMAND JUSTICE!
Though try as I might
I get no assistance
Hey, don't I have rights?

What kind of state
Is this country in
To not punish a man
For a terrible sin?

Not a single officer
Will give me his time
Wait- I'm confused
I thought theft was a crime?

So now I'm the victim
Of a villainous fraud
AND a legal system
That's horribly flawed?

Meanwhile this crook
Is making great haste
With my priceless property
That can't be replaced!

Where's the APB?
Where's the car chase scene?
This man is a criminal
And he gets away clean?

What's that sir??
No, I'm not dense!!
Is that an excuse
For your negligence??
I'm sorry but none of this
Makes any sense!!
When is the manhunt
Set to commence??
Yes, I'm sure its gone!!
You're making me tense!!
I'm not the one
Who should be on defense!!!!

Now please, sir-
Please let the search start
This is not like a car
Or old piece of art!
I beg of you sir-
Tell the troops to depart!
He's getting away
And he's taken my heart!!!!

Coumputer Geek

He has a love for computers
Of all shapes and sizes
Of hardware, software
And technical devices

Of keyboards, mouses
And LCD screens
Programs, hard drives
And internet speed

He can repair any virus
And fix any crash
He knows every program
From Joomla to Flash

He can set up a server
And build a website
He knows what to fix
When something's not right

He can optimize a search
Or wireless connection
He's the first one to have
A program or invention

He can take a steel box
And arrange all the parts
And end up with a computer
That actually starts!

If you're having an error
He's the one you can call
'Cause I'm certain by now
That he's seen them all

Technology is really,
Truly his passion
His love, his talent,
His nerdy obsession

So it must be quite frustrating
When he plays with me
That he's never able to win
A single game on the Wii!!!

Chemical Caution

You made life so beautiful
When here in my hands
And as for our future
I'd made so many plans

Such grace and talent
For someone so small
I loved to watch
As you danced 'cross my wall

But I didn't treat you
The way that I should
And I'd take it back
If only I could

You've fallen victim
As so many do
To a chemical fate
That I brought you to

I remember your hair
It was flowing and silky
Look at it now
Its matted and sticky

I did all I could
But in the end
It just wasn't enough
The damage to mend

I'll never forget you
Though this is goodbye
On your way to the big
Easel in the sky

I've learned a hard lesson
Next time I'll decline
To leave my brush soaking
In a glass of turpentine

Moving Day

A Medical Marvel!
The doctors would say
If they knew my condition
As I lie here today

It just doesn't make sense
That I'm still alive
My poor chest has been robbed
Of the Heart from inside













This amateur surgeon
So careless his hand
That how I'm here now
I just can't understand

In all my years
I've never heard such a tale
Of even one person
Neither woman nor male

Who's lived through a case
Of cardio theft
And survived for so long
On just what is left

I think, perhaps
My other organs decided
That they're better off
Now that they've been divided

From the roommate that caused them
Each so much trouble
So they gladly took overtime
And are all working double

Yes, my lungs, my brain
My spleen and liver
Must be feeling much better
Minus that endless chest-al quiver

They should have long been evicted
To a different location
I guess the landlord must
Be out on vacation!

Alcoholic

'Tis really rather cruel
I think
That you've chosen as
Your favorite drink
Not whiskey, gin
Or any beers
But a goblet filled
With wine sweet tears

Many a man
Has drowned himself
In bottles bought
From off the shelf
But you choose to satisfy
Your vice
With a liquor stolen
From my eyes

Just like the grapes
From off the vine
The sweetest tears
Come over time
With the honey taste
Of your creation
Imagine the process
Of fermentation!!

Heart Attack

Be careful who you trust
Its what the wise men say
And in my wildest dreams
I never thought that you'd betray

But you can't hide anymore
In that tired old disguise
I feel a fool it took so long
Until I finally realized

I suffered all those times
And I never knew the cause
Never knew that it was you
For your cunning, sly facade

That ache inside my chest
Every time you made me fall
You must enjoy the pain
For together we would crawl

You convinced me to give trust
Let them take me for a ride
Coerced me to believe
Even when you knew he lied

How you must have reveled
In the messes that you made
You should win an Oscar
For the victim that you played

Well, save it for the judge
Because I know you are at fault
I took years of constant beating
Now this violent assault

Knowing I must trust you now
Still with my very life
Makes it that much harder
To look back and see the knife

So, although in my interest
It perhaps would not be best
I still wish you could be placed
Under 'cardiac arrest'

Now, I am not a doctor
But this blade here in my back
Should be the definition of
When they say "Heart Attack"!